Robynne is Loved

So I know this girl who's pretty neat...

She has a lot of hobbies and is so passionate about every single one of them.

She has a few friends, whom she loves like family and would go to the ends of the earth for each of them.

She loves to laugh, and her smile can light up a room.

Robynne is loved. She is passionate, fierce, powerful and strong. She is caring, loving, kind, and gentle. She is brave, bold, and fearless. She is soft, empathic, and intuitive. Robynne can move mountains.

Robynne is loved. Robynne is loveable. Robynne is worthy of love.

perspective comes in threes

A year ago, I was laid off. I had been working at my job for over a year, and I absolutely loved it. I loved most of my coworkers, I loved the work I was doing, I was happy, and oh-so-content. Then in the middle of an afternoon, in the middle of the week, exactly a month before Christmas, I was informed that a partner vote had decided my job was unnecessary and I was out of work.

I was crushed. I was absolutely devastated. It's been a year, and I'm still not completely over it. After I was let go, I asked to go home for the afternoon. I was crying, and feeling like a mess, and couldn't handle sitting at my desk for a few more hours.

I went out to my car, but was crying too hard to drive right away, so I called my mom. I needed to talk to somebody, and she was the perfect somebody. She cried with me, and then she comforted me. I remember she said:

"Well, bad things come in threes, so maybe this is the end of it."

You see, a few weeks earlier, I had been evicted with no notice. And a month prior to that, I had been fired from my part-time job. To me, it felt like my entire life was crashing down around my ears, but maybe my mom was right - if bad things came in threes, surely this was the end of it.

That was, indeed, the end of the worst of it. After a long and terrible year, only a few more bad things happened in the new year, but none so bad as my October-November. And then life carried on, things got better, and the pain and hurt started to fade.

Now, a year later, I'm laying here in bed, at 2 in the morning, thinking about my mom's words - "Bad things come in three."

Two weekends ago, I had an allergic reaction and ended up in the hospital. The meds they gave me messed up my sleep schedule like crazy. And then, this weekend, my puppy got an infection in a small cut, and I had to take her to the vet. She's on antibiotics and is stuck wearing the Cone of Shame for a few days. That same evening that I took my puppy to the vet, I fell down the stairs. This isn't a crazy incident for me, but I did wrench both of my arms really hard, and now my shoulders are in a lot of pain.

So here it is, 2 am, and I can't sleep. The steroids I was on for a few days messed up my sleep schedule. My dog is laying behind me, pressing her plastic cone into the small of my back. My shoulders hurt so bad I can't find a comfortable position to lay.

So perhaps it's true -- bad things do come in threes. Bad things that lead to no sleep for me certainly did come in threes.

But maybe perspective also comes with bad things. Maybe normally I'd be a big baby, and I'd feel oh-so bad for myself, pouting about how hard my life is right now. But compared to last November, this November is a cake walk.

And now I'm smiling, because I'm thinking how grateful I am that I had the time, the money and the capability to go to the hospital after my allergic reaction. And how glad I am to have my puppy in my life, and to be able to care for her. And you know, I'm even glad I fell down the stairs in my home, because I have a home.

A year ago, I didn't. I didn't have the mental capacity to cope with a hospital trip. I didn't have my puppy. I didn't have a home.

Eventually, the pain killers will kick in, and I'll fall asleep. I'll be tired at work tomorrow, but I have a job to go to. My puppy will heal, and the cone will come off in a couple of days. My sleep schedule will get back to normal. Everything is going to be okay.

Imagined conversations

I don't really understand why it's so hard for people to grasp something so simple, but several people in my life (as well as an endless stream of complete strangers) can't seem to understand that I don't want kids.

Really, it's very simple. I don't want kids. What's something you don't want? Let's say - a broken arm. I would imagine that most people don't want a broken arm. So when you say things like:

"You just don't know what life really is until you have kids."

"I hope that you change your mind and have kids anyway."

"Accidents happen."

I want to say things like:

"You just don't know what life is like until you have a broken arm."

"I hope you break your arm anyways."

"Accidents happen."

Motherhood

Growing up, I always saw motherhood as an inevitability. Having kids would just be another step in my life plan. I always wanted babies, and I never paused to question why.

And, for a few years there, I was full-blown baby-crazy. I used to read blogs, detailing pregnancy and baby-raising. I entered giveaways for baby items, and then I started buying them too. If I found something that wouldn't go bad or out of style and was on sale, I'd buy it. I filled 2 dresser drawers in my spare room (eventual nursery) with baby things. I'd already picked out paint colours for that imaginary nursery too. My husband and I used to talk about everything from child-rearing tactics, to sports and music options, to when, exactly, we would have kids. I had baby names picked out. As I saw it, I was ready.

However, after a tumultuous summer, I found out that I might not ever have kids. It's not impossible, but I will struggle to get pregnant. I'm not likely to be one of those women who just accidentally conceives. Thanks to my reproductive system, it's not going to be easy. It will take a lot of try-and-fail. And if I do manage to conceive, I can almost guarantee I will suffer miscarriage after miscarriage. Probably most will be very early, but thanks to my family history, I will never be able to trust my body to carry to term.

I have never, even at my most baby-crazy, wanted to be one of those women who becomes obsessed with trying to conceive. I've never wanted to track my ovulation cycle, and force sex because of it. I've never wanted to obsessively pee on a stick and get upset at the negative result. I've never wanted to grow bitter watching people around me have babies while I can't. I have never wanted to be that woman. I had naively assumed I wouldn't have to be.

So when I was faced with all of this, I started questioning things. I wondered, "How badly do I want kids? How much pain and frustration is it worth?" And the answer surprised me. It took several months, but I went from baby-crazy to contemplating a childfree life. I started taking stock of my life and what would change when we had kids. And instead of imagining all the things I would gain with children, I started realizing all the things I had to lose.

I'd lose my freedom. I wouldn't be able to go on spontaneous road trips, have frequent date nights out, dance the night away, or even curl up for a quiet night in. My freedom to shop alone, to sleep the night through, and to go anywhere would be gone. My freedom to be sick and ignore the world would disappear. Everything I want to do would be overshadowed by this one life decision.

I'd lose my friends. Sure, I'd make new ones. I'd grow closer to old friends who also have kids. I'd make friends with moms from various groups. I'd probably go to mommy-and-me groups. But the friends I have now that don't have/don't want kids would, more than likely, just fade away.

I'd lose my savings. Kids cost a lot of money, and I'm just not seeing those extra dollars in my bank account. Worrying about money is hard enough - I don't want to worry about having the money to take care of someone else.

I'd lose my identity. Sure, people will say you don't have to, but I don't know very many women who had kids and maintained an identity beyond "mom". Their hobbies changed, if they kept up with any at all. Their friends changed. Their conversation topics changed. Their social media feeds changed. The things they thought about, talked about, looked at, and shopped for changed. The way they thought about themselves changed. And that's okay. It's understandable. But I don't want to lose the identity I have now. I rather like who I am.

I'd lose my body. No women ever gets her body back after pregnancy. Too many things change, and nothing can ever be exactly the same. If you can accept that, great. But I quite like my body right now, and I'm not willing to give it up.

I'd risk genetic conditions. There is something natural about wanting to pass our genes on. It's built into us, and if it wasn't, we wouldn't have survived as a species. But honestly, my genes aren't that great. Any children I could have would run the risk of several different genetic conditions, which I wouldn't wish on anyone.

I'd lose my pets. I currently own two cats and one dog. Our dog came to us as a senior dog, because she wasn't doing well with the child in her home. We agreed to provide her a childfree home for the rest of her life. And as to after that - if we have kids, that severely limits what pets we can adopt, if any. Perhaps I'd rather spend my life rescuing cats and dogs that need us.



Please, pretty please, don't try to tell me about all the things I'd gain. I know. I've dreamed of them for years. This isn't about pros and cons, it's about options and choices.

But here's what it breaks down to: Nobody told me having kids was an option.

I always thought it was just what you did. It was the next step. But you know what? It is an option. It's isn't inevitable, and you don't have to if you don't want to.


And if you don't want to have kids, that's okay.

So where do I stand now? Well, we have agreed we don't want kids right now. We have talked about more permanent options, but for now we're just using contraceptive and going with the flow. If I were to conceive, and actually carry to term, we would be okay with that. We would give up everything else and become parents. And that would be okay with us. But motherhood is not something I'm willing to fight for, to work hard for, and to suffer for. 

Giving up so many things is not something I want to fight tooth and nail for.

Moving does nasty things to goals and deadlines

For the last few months, I have had a goal to spend at least 15 minutes in my sewing room each day. Sometimes, I get absorbed and finish a project or two. Sometimes, I only have enough time to complete the next step in an ongoing project. Sometimes, I trace off a pattern. Sometimes, I sit down in front of the TV with some hand-sewing and call that good. But the point is - I always make sure to do something every day.
However, at the end of October, we moved across the city. For the last few days before the move, I kept up with my goal - sorting my fabric stash, packing my patterns, organizing my tools & notions, packing away all of my fabric, etc. Then, when my sewing stuff was all packed away, I was still in there every day, packing up the rest of the room, or cleaning it out.

Now that we're moved into our new place, I had a similar goal for myself, but it hasn't been going well. When I get home from work, I'm overwhelmed by my kitchen, my bedroom, and my living room. I've been busy, sorting, cleaning, unpacking, organizing, but not any of that to do with sewing. I got most of the sewing things gathered into a corner, but that's about it. My precious Singer sits there staring at me from under its cover, begging me to bring it out to play. My fabric is stacked in clear totes, calling to me with its colours and prints.

But I'd rather have dishes in my cupboards and clothes in my dresser (getting dressed out of cardboard boxes is never fun).

Everything will slowly be accomplished, and I will get back on track with all of my Christmas projects, I know. But right now, I'm feeling a little defeated, and my sewing is feeling a little neglected.

Anniversary Dress

Every year on our anniversary, my husband and I take photos together. I had the idea just a few months into our marriage, and he has begrudgingly gone along with it since. I have a photo from each year framed on our wall, and I think it is the beautiful journey of love and growth.

Anyways, our fourth anniversary was in September. I started thinking about the photos back in July, and I started thinking about what to wear. Every year, that question is the bane of my existence. I try to find outfits for my husband and I that are both flattering, and coordinate somehow. This year, I decided we should both wear blue. Since I have been sewing so much, I thought I could make my own dress to wear. Easy, right?

I ordered a pattern online on August 19th. Our anniversary is September 16th. So with less than a month to spare, I had to wait for the pattern to arrive, I had to find the perfect fabric to go with it, and I had to make it. And make it perfectly.

I made Simplicity 1354, which is a sleeveless dress with back interest, and it's part of Simplicity's Amazing Fit line. I decided not to make a muslin of it first, because I had so little time, so I bought enough fabric to almost make two dresses just in case. I didn't need it though. This dress came out perfectly the first time around.

I absolutely love it. It fits well, is flattering, and is very comfortable. Oh! And it has pockets!! I love the back detail. The little band at the top of my back is closed with three little buttons. The only thing I don't love about this dress is the hem. I think it hangs a little bit funny. Perhaps a hand stitched blind hem would have worked better, but I hemmed this dress about 2 hours before we were supposed to meet our photographer. Whoops...

I had also thought about sewing a shirt for my husband. If I had found two coordinating fabrics, I probably would have, but instead I found a fabric that worked well with a shirt he already had. Less stress for me!

Baby Gifts

Sewing baby items is perfect instant gratification. I like to keep some cute colours in different materials on hand for those days where nothing is going right. When my seams aren't lining up, when I accidentally cut the fabric wrong, when my machine doesn't want to stitch a certain fabric, when I finish an extra long seam, only to find mistakes (when the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I'm feeling sad!). It's days like those that I need something to go my way. So I pull out a bit of cotton, and a bib pattern, or a bit of fleece and a baby hat pattern, or whatever. Baby items are small, quick to make, hard to mess up, and adorable. In less than half an hour, you can have that "I made this!" feeling all over again, and go back to your project refreshed.

The only problem is: I don't have kids. And I don't plan on having kids anytime soon, so I'm not about to sew a bunch for a non-existent baby. However, I know plenty of existent babies! More than a few of my friends have kids, and about half a dozen have had a baby this year, or are pregnant right now. So I sew for them. A couple of months ago, I posted about the baby shower gift I made for my brother. I would have (and probably still will) make more for his little girl, but other friends are having kids, so this gift was for somebody else.

First, I made a handy little roll-up change pad again. The backing is cotton, the front is minky (chenille, cuddle fleece, what-have-you), and inside is a layer of flannel. This one was about 18" x 27", and then I added a cotton border. I also added bias tape ties to keep it rolled up.

Then I made two bibs. These ones close with velcro, and have backing. One is back with flannel, and the other is backed with minky, so they're both absorbent and soft.

The last thing in this particular gift package is a pair of burb cloths. I know there is some disagreement on the best size of burb cloths. Some prefer the really big almost-blanket-sized ones, and some people prefer the skinny curved ones for their shoulder. I decided to make these ones long and skinny, because every new mom needs variety. I also reverse appliqued an "A" for the baby's name onto the bottom corner.

I mailed this whole little package off earlier this week, and I am so excited for the new mom to open it! I love sewing baby things, I love giving gifts, and I love sending mail.

I'm thinking about sewing more baby gifts for Christmas - some cozy fleece hats, some Christmas themed bibs, maybe even a tutu. We'll see. ;)