Motherhood

Growing up, I always saw motherhood as an inevitability. Having kids would just be another step in my life plan. I always wanted babies, and I never paused to question why.

And, for a few years there, I was full-blown baby-crazy. I used to read blogs, detailing pregnancy and baby-raising. I entered giveaways for baby items, and then I started buying them too. If I found something that wouldn't go bad or out of style and was on sale, I'd buy it. I filled 2 dresser drawers in my spare room (eventual nursery) with baby things. I'd already picked out paint colours for that imaginary nursery too. My husband and I used to talk about everything from child-rearing tactics, to sports and music options, to when, exactly, we would have kids. I had baby names picked out. As I saw it, I was ready.

However, after a tumultuous summer, I found out that I might not ever have kids. It's not impossible, but I will struggle to get pregnant. I'm not likely to be one of those women who just accidentally conceives. Thanks to my reproductive system, it's not going to be easy. It will take a lot of try-and-fail. And if I do manage to conceive, I can almost guarantee I will suffer miscarriage after miscarriage. Probably most will be very early, but thanks to my family history, I will never be able to trust my body to carry to term.

I have never, even at my most baby-crazy, wanted to be one of those women who becomes obsessed with trying to conceive. I've never wanted to track my ovulation cycle, and force sex because of it. I've never wanted to obsessively pee on a stick and get upset at the negative result. I've never wanted to grow bitter watching people around me have babies while I can't. I have never wanted to be that woman. I had naively assumed I wouldn't have to be.

So when I was faced with all of this, I started questioning things. I wondered, "How badly do I want kids? How much pain and frustration is it worth?" And the answer surprised me. It took several months, but I went from baby-crazy to contemplating a childfree life. I started taking stock of my life and what would change when we had kids. And instead of imagining all the things I would gain with children, I started realizing all the things I had to lose.

I'd lose my freedom. I wouldn't be able to go on spontaneous road trips, have frequent date nights out, dance the night away, or even curl up for a quiet night in. My freedom to shop alone, to sleep the night through, and to go anywhere would be gone. My freedom to be sick and ignore the world would disappear. Everything I want to do would be overshadowed by this one life decision.

I'd lose my friends. Sure, I'd make new ones. I'd grow closer to old friends who also have kids. I'd make friends with moms from various groups. I'd probably go to mommy-and-me groups. But the friends I have now that don't have/don't want kids would, more than likely, just fade away.

I'd lose my savings. Kids cost a lot of money, and I'm just not seeing those extra dollars in my bank account. Worrying about money is hard enough - I don't want to worry about having the money to take care of someone else.

I'd lose my identity. Sure, people will say you don't have to, but I don't know very many women who had kids and maintained an identity beyond "mom". Their hobbies changed, if they kept up with any at all. Their friends changed. Their conversation topics changed. Their social media feeds changed. The things they thought about, talked about, looked at, and shopped for changed. The way they thought about themselves changed. And that's okay. It's understandable. But I don't want to lose the identity I have now. I rather like who I am.

I'd lose my body. No women ever gets her body back after pregnancy. Too many things change, and nothing can ever be exactly the same. If you can accept that, great. But I quite like my body right now, and I'm not willing to give it up.

I'd risk genetic conditions. There is something natural about wanting to pass our genes on. It's built into us, and if it wasn't, we wouldn't have survived as a species. But honestly, my genes aren't that great. Any children I could have would run the risk of several different genetic conditions, which I wouldn't wish on anyone.

I'd lose my pets. I currently own two cats and one dog. Our dog came to us as a senior dog, because she wasn't doing well with the child in her home. We agreed to provide her a childfree home for the rest of her life. And as to after that - if we have kids, that severely limits what pets we can adopt, if any. Perhaps I'd rather spend my life rescuing cats and dogs that need us.



Please, pretty please, don't try to tell me about all the things I'd gain. I know. I've dreamed of them for years. This isn't about pros and cons, it's about options and choices.

But here's what it breaks down to: Nobody told me having kids was an option.

I always thought it was just what you did. It was the next step. But you know what? It is an option. It's isn't inevitable, and you don't have to if you don't want to.


And if you don't want to have kids, that's okay.

So where do I stand now? Well, we have agreed we don't want kids right now. We have talked about more permanent options, but for now we're just using contraceptive and going with the flow. If I were to conceive, and actually carry to term, we would be okay with that. We would give up everything else and become parents. And that would be okay with us. But motherhood is not something I'm willing to fight for, to work hard for, and to suffer for. 

Giving up so many things is not something I want to fight tooth and nail for.