Motherhood

Growing up, I always saw motherhood as an inevitability. Having kids would just be another step in my life plan. I always wanted babies, and I never paused to question why.

And, for a few years there, I was full-blown baby-crazy. I used to read blogs, detailing pregnancy and baby-raising. I entered giveaways for baby items, and then I started buying them too. If I found something that wouldn't go bad or out of style and was on sale, I'd buy it. I filled 2 dresser drawers in my spare room (eventual nursery) with baby things. I'd already picked out paint colours for that imaginary nursery too. My husband and I used to talk about everything from child-rearing tactics, to sports and music options, to when, exactly, we would have kids. I had baby names picked out. As I saw it, I was ready.

However, after a tumultuous summer, I found out that I might not ever have kids. It's not impossible, but I will struggle to get pregnant. I'm not likely to be one of those women who just accidentally conceives. Thanks to my reproductive system, it's not going to be easy. It will take a lot of try-and-fail. And if I do manage to conceive, I can almost guarantee I will suffer miscarriage after miscarriage. Probably most will be very early, but thanks to my family history, I will never be able to trust my body to carry to term.

I have never, even at my most baby-crazy, wanted to be one of those women who becomes obsessed with trying to conceive. I've never wanted to track my ovulation cycle, and force sex because of it. I've never wanted to obsessively pee on a stick and get upset at the negative result. I've never wanted to grow bitter watching people around me have babies while I can't. I have never wanted to be that woman. I had naively assumed I wouldn't have to be.

So when I was faced with all of this, I started questioning things. I wondered, "How badly do I want kids? How much pain and frustration is it worth?" And the answer surprised me. It took several months, but I went from baby-crazy to contemplating a childfree life. I started taking stock of my life and what would change when we had kids. And instead of imagining all the things I would gain with children, I started realizing all the things I had to lose.

I'd lose my freedom. I wouldn't be able to go on spontaneous road trips, have frequent date nights out, dance the night away, or even curl up for a quiet night in. My freedom to shop alone, to sleep the night through, and to go anywhere would be gone. My freedom to be sick and ignore the world would disappear. Everything I want to do would be overshadowed by this one life decision.

I'd lose my friends. Sure, I'd make new ones. I'd grow closer to old friends who also have kids. I'd make friends with moms from various groups. I'd probably go to mommy-and-me groups. But the friends I have now that don't have/don't want kids would, more than likely, just fade away.

I'd lose my savings. Kids cost a lot of money, and I'm just not seeing those extra dollars in my bank account. Worrying about money is hard enough - I don't want to worry about having the money to take care of someone else.

I'd lose my identity. Sure, people will say you don't have to, but I don't know very many women who had kids and maintained an identity beyond "mom". Their hobbies changed, if they kept up with any at all. Their friends changed. Their conversation topics changed. Their social media feeds changed. The things they thought about, talked about, looked at, and shopped for changed. The way they thought about themselves changed. And that's okay. It's understandable. But I don't want to lose the identity I have now. I rather like who I am.

I'd lose my body. No women ever gets her body back after pregnancy. Too many things change, and nothing can ever be exactly the same. If you can accept that, great. But I quite like my body right now, and I'm not willing to give it up.

I'd risk genetic conditions. There is something natural about wanting to pass our genes on. It's built into us, and if it wasn't, we wouldn't have survived as a species. But honestly, my genes aren't that great. Any children I could have would run the risk of several different genetic conditions, which I wouldn't wish on anyone.

I'd lose my pets. I currently own two cats and one dog. Our dog came to us as a senior dog, because she wasn't doing well with the child in her home. We agreed to provide her a childfree home for the rest of her life. And as to after that - if we have kids, that severely limits what pets we can adopt, if any. Perhaps I'd rather spend my life rescuing cats and dogs that need us.



Please, pretty please, don't try to tell me about all the things I'd gain. I know. I've dreamed of them for years. This isn't about pros and cons, it's about options and choices.

But here's what it breaks down to: Nobody told me having kids was an option.

I always thought it was just what you did. It was the next step. But you know what? It is an option. It's isn't inevitable, and you don't have to if you don't want to.


And if you don't want to have kids, that's okay.

So where do I stand now? Well, we have agreed we don't want kids right now. We have talked about more permanent options, but for now we're just using contraceptive and going with the flow. If I were to conceive, and actually carry to term, we would be okay with that. We would give up everything else and become parents. And that would be okay with us. But motherhood is not something I'm willing to fight for, to work hard for, and to suffer for. 

Giving up so many things is not something I want to fight tooth and nail for.

Moving does nasty things to goals and deadlines

For the last few months, I have had a goal to spend at least 15 minutes in my sewing room each day. Sometimes, I get absorbed and finish a project or two. Sometimes, I only have enough time to complete the next step in an ongoing project. Sometimes, I trace off a pattern. Sometimes, I sit down in front of the TV with some hand-sewing and call that good. But the point is - I always make sure to do something every day.
However, at the end of October, we moved across the city. For the last few days before the move, I kept up with my goal - sorting my fabric stash, packing my patterns, organizing my tools & notions, packing away all of my fabric, etc. Then, when my sewing stuff was all packed away, I was still in there every day, packing up the rest of the room, or cleaning it out.

Now that we're moved into our new place, I had a similar goal for myself, but it hasn't been going well. When I get home from work, I'm overwhelmed by my kitchen, my bedroom, and my living room. I've been busy, sorting, cleaning, unpacking, organizing, but not any of that to do with sewing. I got most of the sewing things gathered into a corner, but that's about it. My precious Singer sits there staring at me from under its cover, begging me to bring it out to play. My fabric is stacked in clear totes, calling to me with its colours and prints.

But I'd rather have dishes in my cupboards and clothes in my dresser (getting dressed out of cardboard boxes is never fun).

Everything will slowly be accomplished, and I will get back on track with all of my Christmas projects, I know. But right now, I'm feeling a little defeated, and my sewing is feeling a little neglected.