Random Acts of Kindness

I had this friend, when I was younger. Neither of us had much for friends before we met, but we hit it off right away and we became quite close, quite quickly. For a few years, we were inseparable, truly best friends. People we knew hardly saw one of us without seeing the other.

As things go, however, we started to fall apart. There was never any major blowout, but we just got older. We developed our own interests, got into things, grew hobbies and found new friends. In just a few years, we each had our very separate group of friends. I didn't even notice it happening, but one day I thought about her and realized we weren't really friends anymore. It was okay though, I still cared about her. Every now and then, we'd get together and it would be like nothing changed.

In truth though, it wasn't a friendship I needed. She was very dramatic, and had a tendency to manipulate. She was very good at making you feel badly about yourself. She also had a tendency to be mad at you for days, sometimes weeks, when you didn't even know what you did wrong, and didn't know how to fix it. They were the little things that I just put up with, but when I stopped to think about it, I didn't really miss her daily friendship.

After highschool, we fell away even more. She developed a group of friends, all of whom I knew through other people, none of whom I wanted in my life. I purposefully kept my distance, watching her change, as if through a window. I didn't know anything about her daily life, but everytime I saw her, I became more concerned. She lost what little weight she had, she grew dark circles under her eyes, her face started to look hollow. I didn't do anything, though, because - well, if I'm to be truthful - because I was selfish. I was sorting out my own life, and I wasn't ready to dive elbows-deep into someone else's mess.

One day, a mutual acquaintance of ours saw her in a place I would never go. I didn't know any specifics of the situation, but I knew she was at a house that was infamous for illegal activity. I took a step away then.

Not long after that, I bumped into her, and she had her heckles raised. She did that thing she had been doing since we were little. She made it very clear that she was mad at me, without any reason as to why. I was done being passive. I confronted her, and we had it out. I said that I was honestly done being friends with her. There was a reason she wasn't apart of my life. I didn't want her mess of a life in my life, and we were done. She said several of the same sentiments, and it was over. I walked away. It is not a choice I will ever regret.

Something she let slip haunted me, though. She was pregnant. It made me mad when she said it, because I knew the father, and I was not impressed. But after all was said and done, and the thoughts sauntered through my mind, I was sad. She was pregnant. She was one of my closest childhood friends. She was having a baby. We used to talk about how we'd be like aunts to each other's children. In another life, I would have started planning her baby shower. I would have shopped for baby clothes with her, and I would have heard all of her baby name ideas. Instead, we were no longer speaking, at all.

Through other people, I heard updates on her life and her pregnancy. Her life was still a hot mess, and I was still very glad to be far away, and her baby was healthy. When she had her baby, I heard all about him, and I was even more sad.

My anger started to change, but not to regret. If I could go back, I wouldn't change a single thing. I had no regrets, but I was sad. I was filled with melancholy, I suppose.

That Christmas, my heart really started to soften. I thought about getting in touch with her and trying to fix things, but I knew that she wouldn't be feeling that same as I was.

Instead, I went shopping. I bought some things for her and I bought a bunch of baby stuff; several cute outfits and a bunch of necessities. The whole time, I was thinking about this alternate universe, where we were still friends. The one where I planned her baby shower, I helped her pick her nursery theme, and I became this little boy's aunt.

I cried as I wrapped the presents, and then carefully wrote their names on them all. I got in touch with someone who knew her, and told him my plan. He was totally in on it, thought it was great, and promised to keep it a huge secret.

Christmas day, he took a large box filled with presents to her. He never told her who they were from, never even gave her a hint, but he told me she was thankful.

I still haven't spoken to her, and we're still not friends. I don't know anything about her baby, and it's likely I never will. She still doesn't know anything about those Christmas presents, if she's even ever thought of them since. But what matters is the difference it made in my heart. Wrapping those presents took all the anger and hurt in my heart and turned it into gentleness and kindness.