Wedding Jitters

I'm dreaming. I must be dreaming. This is all just a dream, I told myself. I don't know why I bothered - it wouldn't work anyways. I knew that until I woke up, everything would feel very real, and after I woke up, it would take me some time to sort out reality from imaginary. It was like that every time.

Okay, try again. Wake yourself up. Come on, you can do it! Nope. Nothing. I sighed. Maybe I should just give up and go with it until something else woke me up.

Another sigh, and I approached the park. There were at least a hundred people milling about, some sitting down in the carefully-arranged chairs, some standing and mingling. No one had looked my way, no one had spotted me, and I thought that was for the best. I hurried behind a stand of trees, where I knew some out-of-sight benches were. I was looking down at the cobblestone path when I heard a noise. I looked up and stopped dead in my tracks.

There I was, sitting on the bench, not ten feet in front of me. Okay, so things just got weird. Like, really weird.

The other me was sitting with her arms extended, hands bracing herself on either side. She was leaning forward and staring at her feet. Or, at least, where her feet would be under her giant white dress.

She looked up and her panic-stricken expression changed to confusion. "Who are you?"

I was caught so off-guard that I stumbled for an explanation. "Umm, I think I'm you. Or are you me?"

She shook her head in confusion and before she could ask anything else, she covered her mouth and looked away.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"I-I think I'm gonna be sick."

Me too, I thought, although for different reasons. I sat down next to her, being careful not to sit on any of the fluffy skirt. "It's gonna be okay."

She met my eyes, and I realized her complexion was actually a little green. Her eyes were wide, but I wasn't sure if it was confusion still, or fear. "I think I'm making a mistake." Her breathing quickened, and I realized it was panic.

Before she could start hyper-ventilating, I put my hand on top of hers. "You're not making a mistake. Trust me. Everything is going to be a-okay."

She gently pulled her hand away and shook her head. She was still taking rapid, shallow breaths, and I started to worry.

"Listen, I'm you, okay? Only, like several years down the road. I don't know how or why, but I know that I've been here and done all this-" I motioned towards the park that was out of sight, "-and I've lived the next few years. I remember it all. Come on, it's gonna be okay, just try to breath."

She took a few forcefully slow breaths, then one big deep breath. As she let it out, she said, "Okay, so if that's true, then you'd know stuff, right?" I nodded. "What's my middle name? And! How do you spell it?"

I chuckled. "Merry Ann." I spelled it out for her, and as I said the last N, she took another deep breath.

"Well, shit. Nobody but my parents know that. Okay, so let's say you're future me. What are you doing here?"

"Honestly, I have no idea. But I do remember how much I panicked today, so maybe I'm here to calm you down?"

"I'm not panicking!" 

I raised my eyebrows.

"Okay, maybe I'm a little panicked. I just - I don't know. What if this is all a mistake?"

"It's not. Trust me. I've been there. It's scary, and it's hard, but it gets better and believe me, it is the best decision you've ever made."

"Are you sure? I'm not too young?"

I laughed. How many times had I asked myself that? "Yeah, okay, you're young. And this is a little crazy, but why not?"

"What?"

"Why not? What's it gonna hurt?" She opened her mouth, but I cut her off. "No, don't answer that. Not today. Just know that the benefits outweigh the risks."

She chewed on her lower lip for a moment, thinking something over. "Can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

"Am I gonna regret this?"

I sucked at my teeth. Man, past me got straight to the big questions. "Honestly, yeah. For a little while, not forever. There will be days, maybe weeks, that you're angry and you wish you'd never gotten married, but the anger will pass, and eventually you will be so thankful for the amazing man that is standing out there right now. And then eventually, you'll regret regretting it." I laughed sharply. "By the time you're my age, you'll know - without a shadow of a doubt - that this is the best decision you've ever made."

A pregnant pause followed, as she studied me. I felt like she was sizing me up, but perhaps she was just rehearsing my words.

"Okay," she hadn't realized she had been holding her breath, and now she let it all out with the single word. "Is there anything else I should know?"

I thought back to my wedding day, thinking about all the little things that went wrong, all the things I would do differently if I could. I thought about the first few months following my wedding, and all the things I'd wished I'd known. I laughed, realizing there wasn't a single thing I could say to make things go smoother, and that if I honestly had a chance to redo it all, I'd want everything to turn out the same. "Nah, you got this."

The younger version of myself rolled her eyes. She smiled a little, as she lightened up and stopped freaking out. Then an idea popped into her head and she leaned a little closer to me. "So, can you tell me something? About the future, I mean? Like, what happens?"

I thought for a brief moment and smiled wistfully. "You know-" I cut myself off as someone else came around the wall of trees.

A young woman was standing there in a blue dress, holding two bouquets of flowers. She didn't even glance at me, while asking, "Are you ready?"

The bride looked at me, and then up at her bridesmaid and nodded. "Yeah, I think so. Is everyone else ready?"

The other girl held out the larger bouquet. "Yep, we're all just waiting on you. I, uh, heard you talking a moment ago. What was that?"

"Oh, I was just talking to myself," My younger self laughed. She looked at me, and I got the joke. 

The bridesmaid raised her eyebrows and gently waved the bouquet around. "Alright, let's go."

Myself and I exchanged glances, as I clued in. Nobody else could see me.

The bride stood up, and took her bouquet. "Can't be late to my own wedding, can I?"

My father came around the corner next and grinned at the bride. Since he didn't look at me either, I took the moment to escape. 

Although people were looking in my direction, no one seemed to notice as I walked down the aisle and slipped into an empty chair near the back. Well, I guess I'll just observe my own wedding.

My husband stood at the front, looking incredibly young, as well as dapper in his suit. He looked towards me, but even the love of my life looked straight through me.

Wait. If no one can see me but myself, who's really dreaming here? Am I just a byproduct of my own wedding jitters?