Nothing Gold Can Stay

.You might know the poem by Robert Frost, entitled Nothing Gold Can Stay. You're more likely to know it if you ever read the book The Outsiders in school. It's a beautiful short poem...

Nature's first green is gold
Her hardest hue to hold
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sinks to grief,
So dawn goes down to day
Nothing gold can stay. 

I think about it every year at this time. When the trees are golden hues, and slowly begin to shed their leaves. You see, autumn is my favorite season, once it is upon us. Three seasons a year, I dream of or delight in summer. I look forward to summer, and relish every blisteringly hot day, and then as it fades out, I declare autumn my favorite.

But you see, the beauty of autumn lies in its temporary state. Autumn is a warning, a promise, a delicious taste of a terrible pie. Autumn is a slow goodbye to wonderful times, and a slow fade into dark days ahead. It is like the sign on the side of the highway that says what is coming ahead. It's a sweet sign, you appreciate it, you relish in its beauty, but that doesn't mean you want what is coming.

Sure, autumn is beautiful, especially around here. Saskatchewan is the land of living skies, but also of drastic weather. We go from 40 above everyday to 40 below everyday (Celsius) in the matter of autumn. But the living skies, those bring autumn to life. Imagine. Wide open bright blue skies framed by never-ending golden brown fields of harvested wheat, and yellow and orange trees on either side. Or rolling clouds across summer skies, that you can just see through gold and green leaves. Rows of trees, lining farms, that vary from live green to yellow, gold to dead brown branches. These months are truly Saskatchewan at its finest.

Even the thermometers seem to know that it is a transition phase. You start your morning with the heat on, by lunch you have the air off and the windows open (to enjoy that crisp, fresh, grain dust seasoned air) and then by three you have A/C on and that fall sweater/jacket/coat sits on your passenger seat.

For work lately, I find myself driving around the edges of town, where residential becomes industrial, and then turns into acreages (small town, much?). That is where the beauty lies. I mean, this town is old. Half of it was built a hundred years ago, when every street was tree-lined, and the trees are mature now. Driving down any of the older residential streets is a beauty in autumn. Indescribable temporary beauty. But the edges of town, where railroads, fields and dirt roads stretch into the horizon? That is where autumn comes to life. And what makes it more beautiful is this. I often drive through the same areas several days in a row, or at least a few days apart. And every time I drive through an area, I note the trees that are at perfection. The ones that drive the inner, pathetic photographer inside of me to pull out my imaginary DSLR and snap a bazillion pictures. Then I drive past that block a few days later, and that tree is dead. Previously green trees are gold, and previously gold trees are barren. It never fails to surprise me just how temporary autumn is.

Robert Frost truly says it best; Nothing gold can stay.

.

Reasons You Should Be A Cat

I've been thinking... and I decided I want to be a cat.

No, seriously. Hear me out.

First of all, they get away with just about anything, and even though they're smart and know exactly what you're saying, you don't expect them to learn or respond, unlike dogs. They get their food in a bowl, their water dripping from a tap, and they get to poop in a box and watch you clean it out. Mind you, this is only house cats. Farm cats usually get a tray of dog food every couple of weeks, and have to chase mice and find their own water. But that doesn't seem so bad.

Next, they get pictures and videos taken of them constantly, and even when they're obese, ugly, hairless or demented, people gush about how cute they are. I mean, come on. There are popular videos on youtube that are simply a cat knocking something over and then acting like they didn't. How do that many people watch it?

If you're not sold yet, try this one! They're pregnant for nine weeks. Nine. Weeks. Even days before giving birth, a healthy cat will be able to leap, move, and chase things. Maybe not as high, or for as long, and they can't sleep comfortably, but you can tell they don't think they're a bumbling whale. So, they don't start showing for three or four weeks, which means five or six WEEKS of weight gain, along with some meanness (let's be honest, cats have hormones too), and NO cravings!

THEN, they give birth. Okay, so this might suck. Cats have on average 3-8 kittens each time, but can have nine or ten. Ouch. But labour isn't as difficult or as painful (not that my cat told me how much pain she was in, but you can tell). Then they have 3-8 blind, deaf, clumsy, needy babies to take care of. I'm sure that is overwhelming. But no word of lie, sometimes my cat would be nursing her five babies, and then just get up, and leave the box they were in and she would go somewhere else. Like, "Okay guys, I need a break. I'll be back, bye." Must be nice.

Within a few weeks, the little rats start looking like kittens, and start acting like kittens. They're out of the box, they're underfoot, they're attacking your face in your sleep... I'm sure mommy doesn't really enjoy this part, but they start eating real food around six weeks old, and by eight weeks, they don't nurse, they poop on their own in a box, and they start finding new homes.

Think about that! 17 weeks from conception to empty nest syndrome! Seriously. And those kids don't need to go to college, they never ask for money, and they never bring home awful girlfriends.

So, I want to be a cat in my next life.

Adventurous Weekend It Is

So, this last Sunday was our first anniversary. I've been thinking on the momentousness of this day for a little while, and I had several heartfelt paragraphs bouncing through my head. I just wanted to wait until the whole day to be over first. We didn't have big plans or nothing, since it was a Sunday, we did our usual sleep in, half-hearted lunch, and then spurts of cleaning and organizing. We gave each other gifts, and then cleaned more. Eventually we both ran out of steam and settled in to game like we usually do. I know, we're a very romantic couple. But I did tell him previously that I wanted a nice date for dinner, and I wanted it to be a surprise.

Around 5:30, I said, "Babe? What are we doing for dinner?" Apparently he completely forgot. He was going to take me to "the city" an hour away so that we had more than two nice restaurant options, but instead we could just do whatever and go into the city whenever I wanted. I said, "I want to tonight. I'm not hungry yet. Let's change and go." So we did. We had a great time driving, and picked a great restaurant I hadn't been to, had great food, and were getting ready to head home again, when I decided I should see my brother. He lives there, and I haven't seen him since May. So we texted him, and stopped by the arcade he was hanging out at (I didn't just marry a geek...) and hung out for a little while before heading home.

All this while, I considered the reasons I love my husband, the things we've been through and done in the last year, how much we've changed, and what this year landmark really means for us.

We were just exiting the city, just hitting the highway, when my honey suddenly announced he couldn't breathe. He drove a bit longer, but pulled over, got out of the car, and tried to tell me to call 911. His chest felt tight, he couldn't get enough oxygen in, he felt dizzy, he felt addled and couldn't talk, and his fingertips felt tingly (!!!!!). I felt his pulse and lost count by three. It was going faster than I could keep up with. Maybe because I was freaking out, but it only made me freak out more. After spending a few minutes on the phone with 911, he started to feel a bit better, and decided it was just a panic attack, or something. I got in the driver's seat, and drove to the hospital.

So there we were, at 9pm on our first anniversary, in the emergency room an hour away from home. And we were still there, 7 hours later, at 4am, when they finally discharged us. Possibly the worst night of my life. Certainly the scariest.

He had sinus tachycardia, which may or may not mean something is really wrong with him long-term. I'm being strong for him, but I'm freaking out on the inside (and a little bit on the outside too). We spent most of Monday sleeping, but he saw a cardiologist first thing this morning, who put him on a seven-day heart monitor. Still freaking out. We're way too young to be dealing with heart issues.

So all of this distracted me from my poetic, well-written thoughts, but also made them stronger. Sitting in that chair, watching his heart rate, blood pressure, and oxygen level numbers go up and down on a medical screen made my chest feel tight. Seeing him in a hospital gown with several cords strapped to his chest reminded me why I can't lose him.

All of my words from before seem kind of silly now, because my entire body knows that I can't live without him. I can't lose him. My life is meaningless without him there to share it with me. My heart beats that I love him, love him, love him. That word, with which I have a love-hate relationship, doesn't express what I'm feeling. All of the words that I can command simply cannot express what I need to say. I need him, but not in a needy way. My life means nothing without him; not that I would have nothing if I never had him, but that I have everything because I have him.

It's almost funny to me now that I was considering the hard things we've been through together in the last year, seeing as the landmark of that year was easily the hardest thing we've been through. But what really matters is that we went through it together.

He Found a Girl who Reads

I'll be the first to admit my marriage is not perfect. We don't just have hills and valleys, somedays we have mountains and canyons.

Our first anniversary is coming up, a week from today. Trust me, the first year is not as easy as some people will have you believe. At least, it wasn't for us. I won't delve into all of those dips and dives, but please know that we have ups as well. So basically, I'll never say my marriage is perfect, or my husband is perfect, or my life is perfect.

Only this; my husband is perfect for me.

Today was one of those days that the truth of that smacked me in the face hardcore.

I'm one of those girls that delves into books with my whole mind. I'll be reading in bed, and he'll come in to tell me something and I'll just have a look on my face and hold a finger up. He'll wait, knowing that nothing in the world matters as much as whatever it is I'm reading right then. It used to frustrate him, but he's learning that this is how I am and I'm not about to change. Today, after he heard me laugh out loud and not two minutes later, I was sobbing, he came in and commented on that. I pulled up a quote I had seen on Pinterest (where else?). It claims to be from Robert Pattinson, but I can't verify this.

"If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2am clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours, but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are...You deserve a girl who can give you the most colourful life imaginable. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads."

 I showed him this and he told me he knows and he loves me for it, but went away to let me delve back in anyways.

He was downstairs when I finished the book, but I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and then went to the bathroom as he came back up. Then I sat in his "office" and told him all about the book. Finally, he burst out, "I want to watch this video! Just go back to your room and read! Besides, if you just go in there, you'll find something happy."

Feeling dejected, rejected, and alone, I went back to the bedroom, where I found a steaming hot mug of Earl Grey tea. I just started crying. The fact that he is so amazing... That he knew (had I not finished the book whilst he made the tea) that I needed nothing more than a glass of British tea with my British book. And that he took my quote's advice... I felt overwhelmed with how good I have it, and how good he is to me.

We may have our poor moments, and we may fight, but I know that he treasures me, for all my faults, and that in the end, he will always come through for me. He was disappointed to know that I had finished my book, and therefor his undiluted love was a little late, but I just decided to blog instead. Tea goes great with blogging too.

He has his faults, he has his fails, but I need to remember days like today. Where, without a second word, he comes through and does something amazing, and it just echoes with "I love you, I love you, I love you, you, you..."