Reasons You Should Be A Cat

I've been thinking... and I decided I want to be a cat.

No, seriously. Hear me out.

First of all, they get away with just about anything, and even though they're smart and know exactly what you're saying, you don't expect them to learn or respond, unlike dogs. They get their food in a bowl, their water dripping from a tap, and they get to poop in a box and watch you clean it out. Mind you, this is only house cats. Farm cats usually get a tray of dog food every couple of weeks, and have to chase mice and find their own water. But that doesn't seem so bad.

Next, they get pictures and videos taken of them constantly, and even when they're obese, ugly, hairless or demented, people gush about how cute they are. I mean, come on. There are popular videos on youtube that are simply a cat knocking something over and then acting like they didn't. How do that many people watch it?

If you're not sold yet, try this one! They're pregnant for nine weeks. Nine. Weeks. Even days before giving birth, a healthy cat will be able to leap, move, and chase things. Maybe not as high, or for as long, and they can't sleep comfortably, but you can tell they don't think they're a bumbling whale. So, they don't start showing for three or four weeks, which means five or six WEEKS of weight gain, along with some meanness (let's be honest, cats have hormones too), and NO cravings!

THEN, they give birth. Okay, so this might suck. Cats have on average 3-8 kittens each time, but can have nine or ten. Ouch. But labour isn't as difficult or as painful (not that my cat told me how much pain she was in, but you can tell). Then they have 3-8 blind, deaf, clumsy, needy babies to take care of. I'm sure that is overwhelming. But no word of lie, sometimes my cat would be nursing her five babies, and then just get up, and leave the box they were in and she would go somewhere else. Like, "Okay guys, I need a break. I'll be back, bye." Must be nice.

Within a few weeks, the little rats start looking like kittens, and start acting like kittens. They're out of the box, they're underfoot, they're attacking your face in your sleep... I'm sure mommy doesn't really enjoy this part, but they start eating real food around six weeks old, and by eight weeks, they don't nurse, they poop on their own in a box, and they start finding new homes.

Think about that! 17 weeks from conception to empty nest syndrome! Seriously. And those kids don't need to go to college, they never ask for money, and they never bring home awful girlfriends.

So, I want to be a cat in my next life.