So, this last Sunday was our first anniversary. I've been thinking on the momentousness of this day for a little while, and I had several heartfelt paragraphs bouncing through my head. I just wanted to wait until the whole day to be over first. We didn't have big plans or nothing, since it was a Sunday, we did our usual sleep in, half-hearted lunch, and then spurts of cleaning and organizing. We gave each other gifts, and then cleaned more. Eventually we both ran out of steam and settled in to game like we usually do. I know, we're a very romantic couple. But I did tell him previously that I wanted a nice date for dinner, and I wanted it to be a surprise.
Around 5:30, I said, "Babe? What are we doing for dinner?" Apparently he completely forgot. He was going to take me to "the city" an hour away so that we had more than two nice restaurant options, but instead we could just do whatever and go into the city whenever I wanted. I said, "I want to tonight. I'm not hungry yet. Let's change and go." So we did. We had a great time driving, and picked a great restaurant I hadn't been to, had great food, and were getting ready to head home again, when I decided I should see my brother. He lives there, and I haven't seen him since May. So we texted him, and stopped by the arcade he was hanging out at (I didn't just marry a geek...) and hung out for a little while before heading home.
All this while, I considered the reasons I love my husband, the things we've been through and done in the last year, how much we've changed, and what this year landmark really means for us.
We were just exiting the city, just hitting the highway, when my honey suddenly announced he couldn't breathe. He drove a bit longer, but pulled over, got out of the car, and tried to tell me to call 911. His chest felt tight, he couldn't get enough oxygen in, he felt dizzy, he felt addled and couldn't talk, and his fingertips felt tingly (!!!!!). I felt his pulse and lost count by three. It was going faster than I could keep up with. Maybe because I was freaking out, but it only made me freak out more. After spending a few minutes on the phone with 911, he started to feel a bit better, and decided it was just a panic attack, or something. I got in the driver's seat, and drove to the hospital.
So there we were, at 9pm on our first anniversary, in the emergency room an hour away from home. And we were still there, 7 hours later, at 4am, when they finally discharged us. Possibly the worst night of my life. Certainly the scariest.
He had sinus tachycardia, which may or may not mean something is really wrong with him long-term. I'm being strong for him, but I'm freaking out on the inside (and a little bit on the outside too). We spent most of Monday sleeping, but he saw a cardiologist first thing this morning, who put him on a seven-day heart monitor. Still freaking out. We're way too young to be dealing with heart issues.
So all of this distracted me from my poetic, well-written thoughts, but also made them stronger. Sitting in that chair, watching his heart rate, blood pressure, and oxygen level numbers go up and down on a medical screen made my chest feel tight. Seeing him in a hospital gown with several cords strapped to his chest reminded me why I can't lose him.
All of my words from before seem kind of silly now, because my entire body knows that I can't live without him. I can't lose him. My life is meaningless without him there to share it with me. My heart beats that I love him, love him, love him. That word, with which I have a love-hate relationship, doesn't express what I'm feeling. All of the words that I can command simply cannot express what I need to say. I need him, but not in a needy way. My life means nothing without him; not that I would have nothing if I never had him, but that I have everything because I have him.
It's almost funny to me now that I was considering the hard things we've been through together in the last year, seeing as the landmark of that year was easily the hardest thing we've been through. But what really matters is that we went through it together.
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